Review: Bad Girlfriend Voodoo Doll

My parents subscribe to Penthouse Forum to read my news and reviews columns. When my first issue came out, my mom called to ask about a product I’d reviewed. I got nervous. No one wants their mother asking about sex toys. Not even me. But it wasn’t a dildo or cockring that caught Mom’s attention. It was the Bad Girlfriend Voodoo Doll. She thought it was the most hysterical product ever and asked if she could have it. Instead of sending Mom the promo doll, I bought her and Dad the Bad Husband and Bad Wife versions. They live happily in my parents’ curio cabinet, along with all the other gag gifts I’ve sent them over the years, their collection of Buddhas, touristy shot glasses, and a couple of ceramic roosters. It’s like a miniature version of my apartment in their house.

Sex Toy Review: Justine Joli’s Foot Stroker

When one of my best friends, Justine Joli, had her feet molded by Topco for a cool Penthouse toy, I was lucky enough to go with her to do some press. Lainie, the publicist for Penthouse, invited me to do The Derek and Romaine Show on the Sirius Out-Q network. It was such a blast! I was introduced as the “foot toy expert,” and I got to talk about Justine’s new toy (the first set of feet molded from an adult star—-and the first truly fuckable pair of fetish feet), how to enjoy foot play, and why people dig feet so much. I’d done news for my college radio station, but being on Sirius, in a real studio, on a show that people were actually listening to (we took callers and everything) was a much bigger deal. Afterward, Lainie took me to dinner and we had a fabulous night talking about writing, being redheads, and life in the porn industry. It was a night I’ll never forget—-and I have Justine’s feet on my desk for a daily reminder of the good times.

Review: Cocksicles

On a hot summer day, what’s better than a popsicle? And, really, if you’re going to eat a phallic treat, it might as well look real. Sadly, I think they’ve stopped making Cocksicles, but I still think they’re fantastic.

Sex Toy Review: Kimberly Williams’s Breasts

When these massive mams arrived from Topco, a friend picked up the box and said, “Holy shit, these are heavy!” My response? “Yeah? Try carrying them around all day and you’ll know how it feels to be a lady.”

I always threaten to set these up on the back of my chair as a neck pillow, or to prop them under my desk as an ergonomic footrest. For now, though, I keep them in their box on top of my cubicle, for all to see. I may get them a bra soon—-if I can find one big enough.